Mr Blond
Washington DC. An Italian style hotel bar. A man and women in black tie talking.
“… and that’s why I always keep a handgun in my jockstrap” says an emphatic man who does indeed have badly bleached blond hair
His female colleague, Bridgette, leans over voluptuously, one finger on her red lips “and i just thought you were pleased to see me”. She stares with a look of coy surprise
“No, it was a gun”
“So one touch and you might…. Blow?” She looks on with more intense coyness despite obvious frustration.
“What? That’d be obviously really unsafe…. No..! You have to keep the ammunition separate, tucked under your ball sack… …
Seriously….”
Both fiddle with their drinks, at an impasse.
Blond decides to lighten the mood by mansplaining. “So I always like my martinis shaken, not stirred as that way the ice can chop up the gin atoms and make the drink more smooth”
His partner says fuck you with a look of incredulousness and ties back her waves of chestnut hair with an elastic band she saved from a pack of ammunition. Dropping the pretense she stares him dead on “That’s complete bullshit, I’ve a PhD in physics and”
“They taught us that at MI5”
“No you pulled that out of your ass, you always think that…”
From nowhere a bronze faced man interjects “Mr blond, hot physicist, we meet again, time to die…”
Mr blond has one arm deep down his suit trousers and is fiddling around like his life literally depended on it
“Mr Blond…”
Mr Blond’s face is twitching in concentration as he tries to retrieve a bullet
“This is not acceptable nor professional…”
The saga continues
“MI5 had its little me-too moment last year…you might not have noticed as you seemed very focused on your yacht boy…”
Mr Blond: “I’m just trying to shoot you”
Bronze “yes yes in a moment. So, I have installed explosive devices in every state capital building. They will make small explosions, not enough to kill anyone, but enough to capture attention. They are on an automatic timer to go off such that those paying attention will see a clear message in morse code…”
Bridgette: “you can’t do a dash with an explosion, it’s always short”
Bronze louder “A clear message in Morse code…”
“No really, i don’t think Morse code is possible”
Bronze flummoxed “really my best people have been planning this for a year. Maybe it was braille. A message in Braille that tells the world…”
Blond: “yes i agree with Bridgette this is ridiculous, perhaps it’d be more effective to blow them all up at once, you know a bigger bang for your buck”
Bridgette “or maybe you could blow one up each time the President lies…, you could change the course of politics”
Bronze takes a big breath and speaks over the two of them “blond you’re always undermining me. You can’t be the hero without a villain,,, think about that,,, I’ve had to make a lot of sacrifices to live this life,, any-way we’re getting a bit in the weeds here.
I will make some explosions and they will encode the message ‘help, let me out of here’. Political analysts will instantly recognize this as the embodied voice of federal legislature, seeking a way to escape from the state level legal system. The world will realize that state and federal laws are at odds with eachother and American law and order will collapse. In the ensuing political vacuum my bronze organization will step out from the wings, seizing power and transforming America into a cruel and corrupt country hell bent on global domination “
Blond and Bridgette recall the twists and turns thinking where to start
Bronze looks sheepish “…too much?”
Bridgette “it’s a bit contrived”
Bronze “i wanted to do something simple. The producers say my last movie; take a few hostages, rob a nuclear plant; it is too simple. So i get creative… maybe, maybe i am an old man, I’m no good for this “
Blond is touched. He can’t let such a good friend fall behind. “Look the explosives are good, just tweet about them mysteriously prior”
“And maybe throw in a parkour scene in a high society ball right as they go off”, Bridgette added thoughtfully, “i could do some backflips then indiscriminately shoot a bunch of sketchy looking guests”
Blond “look man, we’ll make it work”
Bronze wiped his face and surfaced a hopeful look “Ok Mr Blond and sexy planning lady, I’m here to kill you do you have any last messages for your government?”
Bridgette and Blond smile and pat Bronze on the back. Blond pours a martini for all three despite it being a public bar and they toast to the closeknit friendships international spying affords.
