The Grindr users’ guide to surviving the quarantine
Being locked up at home is tough. Particularly if your go-to Tuesday night activity is getting fucked senseless by a stranger. Whilst there’s a deluge of new guides about how to home-school your kids and make Zoom meetings more fun, heres the guide that actually matters.
Tip 1: Up your sexting tools
If you’re prime Grindr age, chances are you’re not a Snapchat user. Well, we have news for you: Snapchat’s smooth beauty skin filters, old man filters and most importantly dog filters are ON POINT.
Tip 2: You can party just with Tina
That’s right! You can skip Brad, Geoffrey and that dude that wouldn’t give you your name because he’s “discrete”, and just party with the sparkly Tina. Plop down that dildo you never use and get so high you think it’s a unicorn.
Tip 3: Buy a fleshlight before they’re $3,000 on Amazon
Unfortunately you’re not the only one thinking “I can just bang the shit out of a tube of silicon until the zombies subside”. Everyone’s thinking it. Even the straight dudes. Get them whilst they’re still $60.
Tip 4: Glory holes and chlorox wipes are still CDC approved
The virus is thought to spread mainly from person-to-person […] through respiratory droplets produced when an infected person coughs or sneezes. — CDC
If there’s a wall between you and your one-night-lover, well those respiratory drops just met their match! Don’t forget the virus can live on surfaces for a long time, so wipe down your member and the wall.
Tip 5: Dogging in a locked car is great social distancing
Remember, keep those butt cheeks away from the window controls otherwise you’ll lose that vital glass protection!
Tip 6: Remember that you already expected to catch something whilst hooking up
If your idea of a fab Saturday night is heading out and catching a cocktail of STIs, well your Saturday just got more lit. Remember: there’s no prep for Coronavirus (yet??)
Tip 7: If you’re an exhibitionist, now is the time to discover your latent OnlyFans career
Your bored house-bound beautiful ass is probably missing out on thousands of dollars. Instead of jacking off by yourself and wasting that precious jizz, put it to work with a webcam. If you’re a socially minded person, share it for free on Twitter!
Tip 8: You spent 98% of your time chatting and never meeting up anyway
If we’re all honest, Grindr is rarely the explosive porno scene we imagined. In reality it’s you and the other twenty locals who have the app perpetually open, swimming around like sharks looking for fresh meat. Embrace your inner mediocrity and swipe straight to the Netflix app.
Tip 9: If you’re going to bone, do it in the shower to wash all of your sins (and virus particles) away
We’re not sure if the CDC recommends this (bzzttt… hold the phone.. they don’t). But dang, it sure is sexy.
Tip 10: Chat roulette like it’s 1999
What’s a bigger turn on than getting your rocks going, then having a total stranger explode onto your screen? No idea? Us neither.
Tip 11: Fire up AIM and rekindle those long-distance romances
The 1990s seem like a distant and simpler time. The internet involved modems. DVDs were just a glint in Sony’s eyes. AOL Instant Messenger allowed us to spend countless breezy afternoons chatting up SquirrelHAX0R22, exchanging grainy 128 pixel square images of our genitalia.
Tip 12: Meet someone and do not fuck within five minutes of meeting
This tip’s kinda weird and we’re not sure why we included it in here but what the heck: Have someone to your house, offer them tea, or talk about news (christ, no, not the news), or do whatever that thing is that people do when not fucking, then walk them out. Preferably keeping 6ft apart and putting everything they touched in the bin.
Tip 13: Wrap your trick in Saran Wrap for equal parts fetish and protection
If you thought condoms were a turn on, wait till you try Saran wrap. As speaketh the CDC:
Hot men wrapped in Saran wrap are considered not to be a vector for Coronavirus, assuming sterile wrapping procedures
And in case you had any remaining questions:
You can sterilize your hot Saran wrapped man by popping him in the dishwasher for 20 minutes
Remember, sharing hot men is caring!
Tip 14: Just chat online and rest assured there’ll be more sex within five months
At the risk of sounding boring and providing responsible advice, you could tickle your whistle at the safe social distance of 20 miles and text and video-share your way to digitally induced euphoria.
BONUS TIP 15: Join an online circle jerk
Workers at LGBT nightlife venues — bartenders, servers, performers, artists, producers, contractors, security, etc. — are hurting due to the COVID-19 shutdown.
You can join a free online circle jerk [EDIT: it’s over folks, muchos sorry] and once finished, donate to the fund:
